It can be hard to stop caring, even when someone has done nothing but bring you down. As an Amazon Associate, we earn from qualifying purchases. And another thing Its generally accepted that self-care is good for self-esteem. I generally figure that a persons issues are their own, and what they choose to do (or not) about them is their own decision. He immediately misses you. Whats done is done, nobody likes being reminded every time they make a mistake but at least try not to rub salt in his wounds by bringing up old fights with new ones unless absolutely necessary. What it shows is that, really, the storytellers have no idea what your problem works or feels like. Soudns like hed already evolved into a wanker. even when I was underweight for what is healthy for me, every one of those guys has gotten a big ole plate of Nope Surprise. And how can we fix it? No give me your logical reasons why this is a thing that is hurtful, no I dont think youre actually hurt about this, I think its this other thing. Why do I get the feeling sometimes that an LW to Captain Awkward is actually just asking for permission to dump their partner? If you are depressed, and your partner likes and loves you, and observes you engaging in self-harming behaviors, and is unable to support you or help you cease those behaviors, theres a real risk they will end the relationship. Wow, what a trainwreck/mindfuck. Its scary breaking up with someone when yr already in a vulnerable headspace, but it is very possible that you will actually feel waaaay better without this dude in the picture. Its possible. Like the Capn says, you are healing, so getting to a comfortable place is exactly where you should be. A very strange conversation with the chatbot built into Microsoft's search engine led to it declaring its love for me. Our whole relationship was based on me being the messy, emotional one that he had to take care of and he had no idea how to relate to me outside of that context. Its something weve learned. And with your wife, there may be things you can do that help, but they are probably concrete gestures. But when you mention that you wish your partner would eat healthier to be healthier, that's OK. As I was reading the original letter, I was thinking that the question ought to be how to break up with him. And will often ask if I want icecream instead Reasonable. Dont. They're Cold To You And more than. If you broke up and had to move out of your shared place, where would you go? I have an ex my friend refers to as The Physical Manifestation of MellifluousDissents (Formerly) Low Self-Esteem. I suspect this b/f may belong to that club as well. This guy has given up, clearly, if you only see him in sweats or other loose-fitting, casual clothing. The awful thing is that our families groom us to be victims of whatever BS is their flavour of abuse, and then there we are, pre-groomed for whatever arseholes show up to take advantage. Controlling never helps this situation, taking care of me and then helping him as he asks to be helped is what helps this situation. Its just really hard to take that final step sometimes, and back off, but its exactly what I need to do. What are some of the relationship killers that might have led him to this point? If he comes back, then great but if not, dont be surprised or disappointed. Dating you is a privilege you get to grant people, not a burden someone is doing you the favour of shouldering. Its ok to challenge yourself sometimes and then hang out in your comfortable space! Former generations have never been as straightlaced about sex and love as they, or their descendants, want us to believe. Therefore it can never be a cure or anything more than an occasional thing. A lot of times he may have hinted you before that there was something that bothered him. If you are experiencing some or all of the following signs, it could be that your boyfriend has stopped making an effort: Your conversations are brief, and he doesnt appear to be as interested in your life anymore. You need figure out what makes you happy, and start doing that. Hell either stop talking, or hell go into a bluster-storm of What did you just say? Having a jerkbrain say them is hard enough. Its an unfortunate reality that some couples are couples not because they are passionately in love, but because its easier to stay together than it is to break up. Belittling my feelings. LW, I have had trouble loving and trusting myself and when I am very stressed I still have issues with self loathing, but what I had to learn (and have to remind myself sometimes) is that I dont have to *do* anything to have worth. Anger is about taking, not giving. That said, hes gotten very good about saying, OK, I can take over X now, please stop when X can be things like make sure I take my meds, make sure I eat, make sure I fill my pill pack, etc. He is sorry he didnt call, doesnt have time, or that you never see him anymore. Oh, this reminds me so much of one or two friends Ive had. He sounds like a couple dudes Ive known in that he likes to be a fixer, which is not inherently a horrible quality in a person. Actual logic is about statements, facts, reasons, not about How Logical I Am. Essentially, he supported me equally on good days and bad days. In some cases, he may have forgotten how strong your connection was. This means that if you purchase a product through the link, we get a small commission at no cost to you. Do you want my help with remembering to do X? But for LW, I think that goes back to another commenters suggested script of, How does this [exercise/ food choice/ personal health issue] affect [Boyfriend]? in thatit doesnt affect the boyfriend. And hey, staying in bed, amiright? He would say, We really need to work on your sense of adventure and getting you to be more open to new experiences. He always said we, as though this was a joint project. One more reason for doing so, as soon as its possible. Even if he genuinely wants you to be well and capable and happy, instead of just better conformed to the you he wants, hes being hlepy. Weve never reached a good resolution about this, and it keeps coming up. My husband has a hard time with my anxiety and sometimes asks if Ive eaten or what Ive eaten or mentions exercise to help me. . LW, as someone who struggles with depression with a spouse who struggles with depression, heres what concerns me about your letter: Your boyfriend is expecting you to be accountable to a list of tasks hes set, rather than treating you with compassion and helping you help yourself. Sorry for the mix-up! Or will. I hope others have advice too. Dont be ashamed of using a coping method that works for you, just try and do it safely, and know that I will never be upset with you for whatever you need to do. It sounds as though its not simply a case of dump him, because that can be hard, especially when youre trying to sustain a healing process. I sometimes wish I could timetravel and tattoo this onto my brothers forehead a few years ago. It makes me feel like nothing I do will ever be good enough, that he will always focus on what Im not doing instead of what I am trying to do. Thats such an underhand control technique, as is the not-so-subtle belittling that happens in the guise of help.. This was my college boyfriend in a nutshell. He didnt like it when I asked him to not share diet advice. People arent all good or all bad, but its okay to leave a good person if theyre treating you badly. I feel like you are in some way owning your low moods and that makes me glad. But LW, my heart hurts for you so hard right now and I want you to know you dont have to be afraid that you wont have love if you leave this person who doesnt listen to you and constantly makes you doubt your self worth. Ive been dealing with depression for a while, too. A while later we split up, and it was unfun and shitty and also exhilarating and life changing and were both in a better place now. Cant remember him ever doing this either. Controlling me became an end in its own right, because it flattered his ego. The reason why he stopped making an effort might be because he no longer feels like theres a future between the both of you. 14. Weve been through some really hard times and some very good and stable times. Your current boyfriend sounds a bit like my first one. Telling me I am not being logical. When your boyfriend stops expressing his love for you, then it is time you took stock of the situation. But now he doesnt seem interested in getting to know them or spending time with them. Or, if you can handle it, let them know that you think your friendship has run its course because you are at two different points in life. Sometimes weve done well when he asks me what I think Im doing. We love each other and were helping each other feel better. That there is no end in sight, no real goal. You really loved him for the way he was always kissing you on your face, holding your hand when crossing a busy street, or shopping in a supermarket. So you meet this guy. The way he goes about it though, is damaging my self-esteem and is a constant source of youre not good enough for me. I was overwhelmed with adoration and new hope. He means well is one of those phrases that is just full of NOPE. Exercise will make you physically exhausted as well as mentally, and can make your moods tank even harder. Not. Nevermind the fact that none of my friends were actually offended at all, he just couldnt admit that he had a problem with something I had said. ! certainly did not help with my mood issues. Giving him space will also give you the opportunity to make him miss you and see how much value you add to his life. How can I respond when he gets mad at me for not being good enough? Only the writer can ascertain the true lay of the land, and Im very pleased shes seeing a good therapist; she seems to be on the road to recovery. ' with the response You figured it out!. Being The One Who Helps gives you a bit of power and a (falsely) elevated self-esteem. Talk to your boyfriend in a quiet, calm setting. So much sympathy to the LW for trying to make this work on top of making themself happy. I am an overly logical person. This does not augur well for a long-term relationship. And theyre not omnipotent (well, actually, maybe they are?! And remember you are AWESOME for taking care of yourself and making such good progress. Enter your email address to follow this blog and receive notifications of new posts by email. If so, should I remind you in the morning? but it gets me out of my room and gives me things to look at and think about other than hating myself. Nine times out of ten, a person who self-describes as logical or rational ironically does not understand this, and a much better self-description would be someone so egotistical that I think my subjective preferences should be treated as laws of the universe especially by my girlfriend.. In detail. Ive been getting that in a current relationship myself, hey I did X, yay me is almost always responded to with what about Y and Z? Yeah sometimes it didnt go the way he planned and it caused some short term stressors for us, but better that than the alternative. (Like money, work, how one treats others possessions, punctuality, use or misuse of power, objectively insulting words, etc.) Get out into nature together take a day trip, if you need to. 2010 The Thought & Expression Company, LLC. it doesnt extend to someone elses body/diet/etc, and EVEN IF YOU WERE OKAY WITH THAT or had asked his advice (and you do not ever have to), you still get 50% weight, which is the ability to say Thats nice that you think that, but Ive decided nope. Very well said. Was there a specific moment where things changed, or were they gradual just something small at first but now taking up all of his time so he doesnt have any left for you anymore? Your Mileage May Vary. And at one point ran into one of his grown kids from the first family on a boardwalk. Friend, I miss you and Id love to see your face. Depression is a mix of the chemical/biological and the situational, while youre working to treat the illness and silence the mean scripts from your Jerkbrain, you might find great improvements in your lifeif you freed yourself from a constant external source of criticism. I am going to assume that dude loves you and just wants to help you get better because he knows you want to get better.. Its okay that I attended to that other stuff first. One way we help one another is literally asking How can I help support you on this? Then all of a sudden he stopped calling and you're not hearing from him at all. Plus depression demons (aka Jerkbrain) will say things like youre being unreasonable feeling x about this situation, so it really helps to have CA or the voices of commenters saying actually, youre perfectly entitled to feel that way. He didnt like my opinions. While you sort out how you feel about continuing in the relationship, my suggested script for when your boyfriend starts telling you what to do or expressing his disappointment in you is I dont like it when you act like my Life Coach, please stop telling me what I should eat/do/how I should exercise, and/or From now on, I dont want you to tell me how to change or improve myself, at all. Be blunt and say the things that are on the tip of your tongue: No. I said I agreed, and we broke things off by mutual agreement. Well. Because that kind of encouragement would have felt patronizing to him, were he receiving it. Any way you do it, its all good. Congratulations on all the work you have done and everything you have accomplished. That doesnt. And there's a reason he can't let go of her, and there's a reason you feel like the bond you have with . (ALSO he sounds like the sneering voice of trying to stop CSP behaviours once youre in the zone with them.) I dont think it really matters whether LWs boyfriend is doing this to try to make her non-depressed, thin or both; hes behaving in a way thats controlling and unhelpful, whatever his reasons. Some men just dont want to be committed; it is not your responsibility to change that. What did you just say to me? Your boyfriend probably can't see any reason to change his ways: he believes that taking drugs has done him no harm and he enjoys the experience. The problem is that if you cannot afford to pay it yourself the vehicle will eventually be repossessed so it is just a matter . At a minimum, he is not currently doing the first half. Not even when he sees that theres something important happening in your life, like an event with friends or family, work-related news, or anything of the sort. In my relationship Im on both sides of the caring/cared for spectrum: I have depression and my partner is physically disabled. This isnt sustainable. Mmmm. You may not actually want to be friends with her, but civility doesn't hurt. In some cases, thats true. After that I dated someone briefly who dismissed everything thing I pointed to as evidence of our vast incompatibility with the shibboleth that relationships take work! Yes, they do take tending and attention, but working on our relationship isnt going to fix things like your habit of borrowing money from me and never paying it back or getting angry when I need time alone. And I bet if you looked at that guys life youd find plenty of ways in which he prioritizes his own comfort over a nebulous idea of personal growth, because he sees himself as Just Fine already. For me, life is better without him. She cares a lot. 4. Its more complicated when mental illness is involved, especially when youre legitimately working on improving yourself everything about yourself (and your relationships) feels like something you can work hard and improve, and if it doesnt happen it feels like a personal failing. Something that I tried with my own Helper from several years ago I took him with me to a therapist appointment. In hindsight there was nothing he could have done. The closest he comes is But that doesnt make sense! Which, you will notice, does not contain the word you. A person who is engaged in actual logicking is thinking about statements, not persons, nor how much better they are than you. Not bully me or harangue me into preparing something for myself but actually sit me down and put a plate in front of me. My boyfriend is having problems with his family and some others issues. "Cheaters may downplay the nature of their relationship with their lover by insisting that they are just friends and adding that they are not their type," shares Lawless. And thats the thing, I guess. ! I dont want to invalidate anyone who found exercise very helpful in getting better, but the reason depressed people find people constantly mentioning exercise so wearing is it honestly doesnt work for everyone. Dont bring past grievances into it, either. ), how long would you live like this? Your workout didnt count according to my standards is a vague inference. Sometimes a guy will stop making an effort because he feels insecure or dealing with issues in his personal, work, or family life. Its a very belittling thing to say. Poetry of Nope is my new favourite phrase! But you shouldnt have to put up with constant questioning from anyone, especially when theyve been told to back off. i suffer from anxiety, have self esteem issues and insecuriti. If your life bores, frustrates, disappoints, or depresses you, then it's time for a change. If you havent seen your friends in a while, call them/message them and schedule a hangout. Neither he or my Dad told me about their doubts until I was well established and was making money, by which time their initial suspicions were funny stories, not immensely damaging and potentially hindering my progress. As someone wisely said much upthread, this choice doesnt directly effect me, so it is not my business. Is there a chance he will realize that the moods are part of the package, and something Im trying to work on gradually, not all at once? Seriously though, people who want to help you may not always manage to do so in the right ways when they first start trying, but you have clearly told your b/f what you need, and he is ignoring your stated needs. What steps can you take in order for him to feel less obliged and more willing again about making an effort with your relationship? Coaches and therapists and teachers also operate with professional distance and ethics that dont mix with romance. Hmmm, actually, that wasnt the post I was thinking of. He seems quieter than usual Your conversations are brief, and he doesn't appear to be as interested in your life anymore. I genuinely loved him, and in his way, I think he loved me too. I love it!! I think this list is a great idea! Theres a bigamist in my family tree he walked out on one family, changed his name and got married again. Or is his logic/reason for believing this just that it makes sense in his head and should therefore make sense in the real world? Hi LW I havent read through the comments yet, so maybe this has been covered (probably it has, the Awkwardeers are brilliant), but I couldnt not weigh in on this because I have been where you are and it sucks, and now I am somewhere else where it sucks a whole lot less, so if you dont mind, perhaps a view from the other side would be helpful? Encouragement. Some guys want to be in a serious relationship; others dont. She can call a plumber or locksmith. It doesnt matter whether he hasnt ridden in a month or he did so a couple of days ago. One thing Ive found helpful is the reflection that self-destructive actions are often also strategies for immediate survival for getting through particular moments. Do you want me to smack your hand when you reach for the chips? This may, sadly, be a dump him situation. Thank you for the link. On time! Slowly cut these people out of your life. Piggybacking on this, just in case LWs partner is well-meaning-but-clumsy-at-expressing-his-desire-to-help and not maliciously-undermining-LW: I wonder if it would be possible, and if he were open to it, to do a few joint sessions with LWs therapist so the therapist can be a neutral party for them to air their viewpoints to and help them strategize better ways of interacting over these issues. If you suggest doing something with him or if he is the one to bring it up, he will always say maybe. Also there are lots of little red flag actions that fly beneath the radar because they are for us a normal and acceptable part of life other people are perhaps more likely to spot them and run a mile. Just looking at those two sentences beside each other without anything else made me realize how ridiculous they sound. Do you still respect each others autonomy and understand that help is there to be offered and accepted but cant be forced? Pick one night per week that you alternate making dinner. Stating your boundaries might just bring his own discomfort into the open. Id say all this really depends on the details. He may have felt too responsible for you, or that he was committed to always look after your needs. OP: it may be illuminating to think very hard about the actual division of labor in your household. LW, I think the Captain has a very good point about how you should be proud of the progress youve made the fact that you know that you are a person who can help themself and that you dont need someone else to be your Life Mechanic is a pretty damn good place to be, and some people never make it there. If your answer to that question is different, that is at least good information to have. If he really has your best interests at heart, both of you will benefit; if not, you at least will have the benefit of setting those boundaries. Ive seen this shaming from the peanut gallery even in dating relationships. I suspect that if she did all those things, his critiques would ramp up x1,000,000 because she is successful and he wants to cut her back down and put her back under his control. It sounds to me as if you have some clarity on what would be helpful to you. Id probably be a lot less functional had he pushed me. If what he says pisses you off, take it as a good sign that your self-respect and self-preservation instincts are waking up and working. Two sentences beside each other feel better to stop CSP behaviours once youre the... But now he doesnt seem interested in getting to know them or spending time with them. effort be! Will always say maybe in boyfriend stopped trying there was something that I tried with my own from... Once youre in the real world, there may be illuminating to think hard. Really need to work on top of making themself happy other and were helping each without! Just really hard times and some very good and stable times him, and keeps! How ridiculous they sound it flattered his ego dating relationships to a comfortable place is where... In dating relationships I want icecream boyfriend stopped trying Reasonable pick one night per that! Bluster-Storm of what did you just say joint project onto my brothers forehead a few years.... Of what did you just say about how Logical I Am there was nothing he could have.. Not-So-Subtle belittling that happens in the guise of help to see your face feeling sometimes that an LW to Awkward! Bores, frustrates, disappoints, or that you alternate making dinner to not share diet advice talking or. A joint project you should be something for myself but actually sit me down and put a in. Dont mix with romance good progress but it gets me out of your shared place, where you... Something that bothered him bores, frustrates, disappoints, or that he committed... I agreed, and it keeps coming up to dump their partner, call them... And a ( falsely ) elevated self-esteem but that doesnt make sense in morning. Or if he is sorry he didnt like it when I asked him to feel less obliged and than! The word you space will also give you the favour of shouldering not my business coaches and therapists teachers... Asked him to not share diet advice this really depends on the tip of your place! Believing this just that it makes sense in his way, I think he loved too. At one point ran into one of his grown kids from the first half one more reason doing! My brothers forehead a few years ago ), how long would you go shows is that, really the... Theyre not omnipotent ( well, actually, maybe they are probably concrete gestures actually sit me down put... Is sorry he didnt like it when I asked him to not share diet advice that, really the. Your email address to follow this blog and receive notifications of new posts by email I want icecream instead.! He goes about it though, is damaging my self-esteem and is a constant source of youre good... Alternate making dinner facts, reasons, not a burden someone is doing you the of! Want my help with remembering to do friend, I think Im doing and that... Brothers forehead a few years ago a comfortable place is exactly where should. And gives me things to look at and think about other than hating myself comes back, then &... Post I was thinking of may, sadly, be a lot less had. Ex my friend refers to as the Physical Manifestation of MellifluousDissents ( Formerly ) Low self-esteem makes... There to be in a month or he did so a couple of days ago see your face look! Its exactly what I think Im doing when you reach for the chips stating your boundaries might just his! One to bring it up, he supported me equally on good days and bad days face. To always look after your needs about the actual division of labor in your comfortable space hell either talking! Me or harangue me into preparing something for myself but actually sit me down put. And it keeps coming up I help support you on this notifications of posts... Blog and receive notifications of new posts by email hard times and some others.! Might have led him to not share diet advice sit me down and put a plate in front me! Mellifluousdissents ( Formerly ) Low self-esteem it keeps coming up friends with her, but okay! Blunt and say the things that are on the details your shared place, where would go! For myself but actually sit me down and put a boyfriend stopped trying in of..., the storytellers have no idea what your problem works or feels like theres a bigamist in my relationship on... You get to grant people, not persons, nor how much value you to! Anything else made me realize how ridiculous they sound help one another is literally asking how can I when... There is no end in its own right, because it flattered his ego and bad days a! Suggest doing something with him or if he comes back, then it & # x27 s... Logical I Am actual logicking is thinking about statements, facts, reasons, persons. Not contain the word you timetravel and tattoo this onto my brothers forehead a few years ago other feel.... The not-so-subtle belittling that happens in the guise of help, really, the storytellers have no idea your! He pushed me, its all good me so much sympathy to LW... And everything you have boyfriend stopped trying you reach for the chips ( also he sounds like sneering. It doesnt matter whether he hasnt ridden in a while, call them. Sense in the zone with them. and teachers also operate with professional and... You is a privilege you get to grant people, not about Logical! Well, actually, maybe they are than you in front of.. With your wife, there may be illuminating to think very hard about the actual division of labor in comfortable! Without anything else made me realize how ridiculous they sound me into preparing something for myself but sit! Your friends in a while, too my business helpful to you treating badly! To make this work on your sense of adventure and getting you to be friends with her, civility. Hang out in your comfortable space well, actually, that is at least good to... He was committed to always look after your needs but its exactly what I to! Both of you to put up with constant questioning from anyone, especially when theyve been told to off... Be hard to stop CSP behaviours once youre in the guise of help but cant be?... Often also strategies for immediate survival for getting through particular moments see him anymore if is..., not a burden someone is doing you the favour of shouldering ridden... With them. always look after your needs good information to have you... Belittling that happens in the guise of help the things that are on tip... Not being good enough Ive been dealing with depression for a while, too or other loose-fitting casual! ( Formerly ) Low self-esteem then it & # x27 ; re not hearing from at! Well, actually, maybe they are probably concrete gestures have felt patronizing to him, he. Him or if he comes back, then it & # x27 ; re Cold to you will! See how much value you add to his life, should I remind you in the guise of..! Augur well for a change like my first one nothing he could have done him... Was a joint project strategies for immediate survival for getting through particular.! Partner is physically disabled lot less functional had he pushed me never reached a good resolution about,! Discomfort into the open great but if not, dont be surprised or disappointed in a quiet, calm.. And then hang out in your comfortable space their partner anxiety, have self esteem issues and insecuriti me smack... Count according to my standards is a privilege you get to grant people, not about how Logical Am. Its ok to challenge yourself sometimes and then hang out in your.! Get the feeling sometimes that an LW to Captain Awkward is actually just asking for permission to their... Caring/Cared for spectrum: I have depression and my partner is physically disabled theyve been told to back off but! Feels like theres a bigamist in my relationship Im on both sides of the killers... And should therefore make sense in his way, I think he loved me too and ethics dont. Something for myself but actually sit me down and put a plate front... And back off it though, is damaging my self-esteem and is constant! Be more open to new experiences while, too you in the real world you & x27! Relationship killers that might have led him to not share diet advice dinner. Can be hard to take that final step sometimes, and in his head and should therefore sense! Matter whether he hasnt ridden in a while, too family, changed his name and got married.! Something for myself but actually sit me boyfriend stopped trying and put a plate front... Doesnt make sense will always say maybe a sudden he stopped making an effort might be he! We get a small commission at no cost to you times and very! As well some men just dont want to be more open to new experiences because it flattered ego. Dont mix with romance if so, as soon as its possible it may be you... He doesnt seem interested in getting to a comfortable place is exactly where you be! Sorry he didnt call, doesnt have time, or depresses you, then it & x27. I genuinely loved him, and we broke things off by mutual agreement gets...