At my age, the only pole dancing I do is holding onto the safety bar in the bathroom. "So am I, let's all go and have a cup of tea", said the third. "They'll only look once.". "Visiting his parents' retirement village in Florida, my middle-aged friend, Tim, went for a swim in the community pool while his elderly father took a walk. "My husband, a big-time sports fan, was watching a football game with our grandchildren. How did grandma get grandpa to stop biting his nails? Even his son turned up. Fight boredom with iPhones and iPads here. Congratulations on being able to cough, fart, sneeze, and pee at the same time. "How old are you?" When the couple finished, the Doctor said Theres nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse. And he charged them $10.00. An old woman saved a fairys life. "I filled the car with gas in February.". The doctor asked, What can I do for you? The man said, Doctor, Will you watch us have intercourse? The Doctor looked puzzled but agreed. Our resources include articles, advice, and general information, as well as complete directories on housing choices (including apartments, assisted living, cohousing, manufactured homes, nursing homes, skilled nursing facilities, and retirement communities), aging-in-place specialists, adult day care, home care, estate planning attorneys, hospice care, and senior education. I'm getting older now. The bartender apologized, but said he had to see the license. Robin Williams. What kind of pills were they? asked the friend. Andrea Price. Feeling down about my thinning hair, I told a friend, Soon Ill never need to go back to the beauty salon. The bartender put the change in the tip cup. When youre old, the doctor tells you to slow down, not the police. The older brother says that he will work on "Damn" and the younger brother agrees to refine his usage of "Ass". Getting old is a fact of life, and no one can avoid it. The older man started to tilt slowly to the right. They both come out at night. I was taking a hot piss at the urinal the other day, and I thought I was finished, so I tuck it in and go to talk to my girlfriend. Well, try and scroll down with your still arthritis-free fingers and check out the hilarious old age jokes for yourself and you might also change your mind on the pressing subject of aging. What happens to your blood type when you get really old? Shes only in her 40s, but my friend Mary has bounced back from cancer, heart problems, even a stroke. Then my mother said in crazed anger and without hesitation, Well, hell, I cant throw that far!, This little old lady calls 911. My grandfather was sipping a beer when he confessed to me he'd drunk more than usual the day before. She was 20-something, statuesque, and gorgeous. Recently, a neighbor turned 100, and a big birthday party was thrown. We will not publish or share your email address in any way. "This thing is great," he bragged to my brother. "How'd you do it?" Wherever this is, every 4 years from the age of 50 sounds somewhat draconian. "Checking out of the grocery store, I noticed the bag boy eyeing my two adopted children. Recently, a neighbor turned 100, and a big birthday party was thrown. "When a woman called 911 complaining of difficulty breathing, my husband, Glenn, and his partnerboth EMTsrushed to her home. An old couple was sitting in Church and the wife noticed that people were staring at her. Apparently, you can't go alone. Now you won't have to worry about cramps when you go for a swim. At least in the old days, like in West Side Story, the gangs used to dance My sister and I decided to reframe a favorite photograph of our mother and father from when they were dating, some 60 years ago. Three old ladies are sitting in a diner, chatting about various things. While my parents were making their funeral arrangements, the cemetery salesman pointed out a plot that he thought they would like. Click here for more information. "Tim then turned to his new friend and announced that he had to leave because his father was calling. 18. "What's your age?" Im 82 today (and still crying.). They were afraid that this could be "Scene: with a patient in my medical exam room Me: How old are your kids? Your account is not active. Can't take my arm off, but I can give you the finger. I have no respect for gangs today. This is your great-grandma and great grandpa, I told my grandson as I handed him a photo of my parents. There's a bowl of peanuts on the coffee table, and John and his friends start snacking on them. "Whats more than usual?" Never seen the point of lying about your age. Its been shortened to the top 30 images based on user votes. How are stars like false teeth? 15. "Yes, the works." Scene: With a patient in my medical exam room Me: How old are your kids? After he gives his sales pitch he says to the farmer: God, its just so hard for me because youre getting older and spending more time with your friends. You can change your preferences. You told me that I would live to be 96." "Where did you go? I have to go to the bathroom.. You mean a rose? Yes, thats it! He turned to his wife, Rose, what was the name of that memory clinic? Three old ladies are sitting in a diner, chatting about various things. In January, my wife, a physician, met with an elderly patient. There, a distinguished elderly gentleman was keeping track of the number of visitors in the old tried-and-true method of drawing IIII IIII on a sheet of paper. "Yeah An elderly man visits the doctor for a checkup. This farmers wife prayed to the Lord and asked him, How old will I be when I die? His reply was 96 years old. What did the old man say before he kicked the bucket? Not yet.. Being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable. This morning, I was standing at the top of the stairs, and I couldnt remember whether I had just come up or was about to go down., The second lady says, You think thats bad? "In four years it'll look good to you.". "Definitely," he says. We finished the day with a banana split. (hes till crying). "Putting on my wrinkle cream," I answered. Gee, thats great! The next time he wanted to use our new toy, he looked a bit puzzled. WebQuotes About Getting Older Growing Older Quotes Getting Old Quotes For Women As You Get Older Quotes Nasty Love Quotes Getting Old Quotes As We Get Older Quotes Getting Older Funny Quotes Growing Older And Wiser Quotes Abraham Lincoln Quotes Albert Einstein Quotes Bill Gates Quotes. 64. Start writing! Your image is too large, maximum file size is 8 MB. 1. Visiting his parents retirement village in Florida, my middle-aged friend, Tim, went for a swim in the community pool while his elderly father took a walk. They sure grow up fast, dont they?. I was told that there were three signs that you are getting older. Your age! But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out. Arthur Bland. And now that Im 80, the damn things are growing wild! And if there's one thing seniors have in abundance is a good sense of humor. 2. Please, Seora, the poor man pleads, I havent eaten all day. Good, says the grandmother. The clerk shook his head, said, Never mind, and rang me up. ""Wow, you don't look that old," the boy said. You know youre getting older when you have a party and the neighbors dont realize it. Old Man: Yes, I am, and Ive forgotten where I lived. WebBest Old Age Joke. WebElderly Man Thinks Fast. The sight of my mother cleaning her dentures fascinated my young son. "Every night I take my teeth out at six oclock. This comment is hidden. Young Lad: Married!! We address a wide variety of senior-specific topics such as retirement lifestyle, financial planning, and senior care. When my 85-year-old father was in the hospital, his doctor, trying to determine Dads mental state, asked, What gets you up in the morning? My father shrugged. After a while, Tim's father returned from his walk and called out, "I'm ready to leave.". The fact that hed been dead for 40 years didnt sway her. Also Aivaras like's to watch and play sports, especially football. He sat riveted as she carefully took them out, brushed and rinsed them, and then popped them back in. Did you know that theres a prize for getting older? Take life lightly and laugh. "All speeds and sizes." Ill ask my wife. He got up, walked into the Over dinner, I could sense something was bothering my mother, so I asked if anything was wrong. An orderly noticed and put several more pillows on his right side to keep him upright. Short Jokes Anyone Can Remember Clever Jokes That Make You Sound Smart Funny Examples of Irony Recently I sat in a restaurant watching two older men go at it. For years he had that thing, shined like a diamond. Why did grandma put wheels on her rocking chair? You know me. 40+ Roar-Some Dinosaur Puns to Make You Laugh, 45+ Funny Squid Puns for Ink-redible Laughs, 75+ Hilarious Soy Puns to Make You Laugh Soy Hard, 115+ Funny Ant Puns to Make You Laugh Ant-il You Cry, 105+ Hilarious Rose Puns to Make You Laugh. The old man replied, Youre the eighth.. Box of Puns is a media company that publishes the best and funniest puns, jokes, and riddles. , "After trick-or-treating, a teen takes a shortcut home through the cemetery. The tenant shook her head. He said he wanted to see my drivers license. replied the little old man. And why dont you write that down so you wont forget? Nonsense, said the husband, I can remember a dish of ice cream!, Well, said the wife, Id also like some strawberries on it. We finished the day with a banana split. All rights reserved. Get weekly tips on housing, retirement living, senior care, and more sent right to your inbox. 1. He even stands right outside the kitchen and yells What's for supper? and still, no answer. While he was visiting, my father asked for the password to our Wi-Fi. Please check link and try again. Me: Thats quite the age difference! So that Saturday, we had a heaping stack of chocolate-chip pancakes, her favorite childhood breakfast. Tim struck up a conversation with the only other person in the pool, a five-year-old boy. Recently I sat in a restaurant watching two older men go at it. 24. Thank you for helping to ensure the accuracy of this listing! "Maybe this will help," he said. Statistics show that at the age of seventy, there are five women to every man. After three failed attempts to log on, he asked, Am I spelling this right? "For her 40th birthday, my wife said, "I'd love to be ten again." Getting older is like living in a haunted house. Little by little, pinch-by-pinch, she fed each pigeon with joy. I see your from Monmouth, N.J. observed the policeman. A doctor told my 90 year old aunt to stop buying green bananas. "Nice." If that is so could the name of the state, city town, or village or country be Published! You get that tattoo of barbed wire when you are 18, but by the time you are 80, it is a picket fence. His reply was 96 years old. How about my misspent youth, joked my husband. After all, he had been her best friend for so many years. 2. An IBM exhibit in New York City portrayed the advancement in technology of statistical and calculating machines from the abacus to the computer. They just drive by and shoot people. Wont even look at a cow. Take him to the vet, his friend suggested. WebBilly Collins suggests the losses of old age through one of its seemingly benign symptoms--forgetfulness: as if, one by one, the memories you used to harbor decided to retire to the southern hemisphere of the brain No wonder you rise in the middle of the night to look up the date of a famous battle in a book on war. I Poor Old fool, thought the well-dressed gentleman as he watched an old man fish in a puddle outside a pub. Poor old fool, thought the well-dressed gentleman as he watched an old man fish in a puddle outside a pub. Grandma studied it before asking, "What kind of fish is that? "Young man, we're both 90 years old," he told the maitre d'. Thomas Clements, "One of my fourth graders asked my teacher's assistant, "How old are you, Mrs. The best getting old jokes 1. Anyone can write on Bored Panda. It quickly grew heated as one of them declared, "Im so mad, Im taking you off my My nine-year-old daughter walked in while I was getting ready for work. 16. How could you get lost? "Absolutely." Then you forget to pull up your zipper. They just drive by and shoot people. One day while going through a magazine, I came across an ad for a hair-coloring product featuring a beautiful young model with hair a shade that I liked. It's about time to settle down for him so he decided to pass it. Whenever I vacuum, all I pick up is my hair. A glass-half-full kind of gal, she responded, Well, then you wont need to vacuum either. Agnes Scharenbroch. The biggest loser at my weight-loss club was an elderly woman. The insurance agency I work for draws business from a retirement community. She also works with Search Engine Optimization, so you could find Bored Panda's articles easier.Just's not only an avid equestrian, but she's also a walking encyclopedia. What, what did he say? said the little old lady. "They were seated immediately. She sat there without being noticed by anyone in our rich suburban neighborhood. "How about my misspent youth," joked my husband. What defies the law of gravity? "But when I said I wanted to be ten again, I meant my dress size. It quickly grew heated as one of them declared, "I'm so mad, I'm taking you off my pallbearer list!". After removing the picture from the frame, I turned it over, hoping to find a date. How long exactly? "Fifty-eight," answered the patient, eyeing the beeping device on her finger. Young Lad: Even better, you look great for your age. 20. Related: 2022s Best Senior Jokes About The 4th Of July. 16. How do you get away with things when youre old? I get up at eight and I sit there and grunt and groan for half an hour before I finally have a BM., The ninety-year old says, At seven I pee like a horse, at eight I flop like a cow.. 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M., via rd.com, One of the shortest wills ever written: Being of sound mind, I spent all the money., The other day I got carded at the liquor store. 32. ", Death is always lurking around the corner. When I was five, I looked down at the crayons I was coloring with and sighedwhen I was two, this is not what I saw myself doing at five. Holiday Inn charges $22.00, the Hilton charges $27.00, we do it here for $10.00 and I get $8.00 back from Medicare for every visit to the Doctors office. Whether you need a break during your busy day or a good laugh, Box of Puns is the ultimate destination for humor. ", Seeing her friend Sally wearing a new locket, Meg asks if there is a memento of some sort inside. "I had been thinking about coloring my hair. As they sipped their whiskeys, the gentleman thought hed humor the old man and asked, So how many have you caught today? The old man replied, Youre the eighth., Just because he's old doesn't mean he's stupid, Bob, age 92, and Mary, age 89, are all excited about their decision to get married. She was the richest woman in the world. Youre getting old when youre sitting in a rocker and you cant get it started. In the hardware store, a clerk asked, Can I help you find anything? How about my misspent youth, joked my husband. Thank you!Rose? he calls out to his wife, What was the name of that restaurant we went to for our anniversary last weekend? On the memo line, shed written, "Repairs.". Congrats on proving that getting older doesnt mean getting wiser. "Thats okay," Harriett said smiling. After booking my 90-year-old mother on a flight from Florida to Nevada, I called the airline to go over her needs. The Bored Panda iOS app is live! I don't feel a day over 100! One day while going through a magazine, I came across an ad for a hair-coloring product featuring a beautiful young model with hair a shade that I liked. They all look like that.. Someone got hold of a stack of old Reader's Digest again, didn't they? "Because they had no reservations at a busy restaurant, my elderly neighbor and his wife were told there would be a 45-minute wait for a table. I wake up every morning at seven and it takes me twenty minutes to tinkle., The eighty-year old man says, My case is worse. 21. I got carded at the bar. I think this is the year you should start lying about your age. I've always been a disappointment. Finally the Doctor asked, Just exactly what are you trying to find out? The old man said, were not trying to find out anything. Grandma says, "Youre welcome. "Now, what did you say your age was? Sam, a little grumpy by this time, replied "I had a caramel in my mouth and it dropped out. So he invited the old man inside for a drink. His wife shouted back, No, the only thing we have is Medicare and Blue Cross.. Maxine is an uber-grumpy fictional grandmother type who has never met a holiday, birthday, or special occasion she didn't want to say something snarky about. "You know," he said to our grandson, Nick, "it's not easy getting old. While out for a stroll to discuss the wedding they pass a drugstore. Two were rich and the other was poor. Wanting a second opinion, I asked my husband,"How do you think this color would look on a face with a few wrinkles? Forget Grumpy Cat; Maxine was the original patron saint of bad attitudes! 40 Quotes About Old Age Every man desires to live long, but no man desires to be old. - Jonathan Swift (paraphrased) Old age is always fifteen years older than I The elderly couple thought this sounded wonderful, and left the doctors office very pleased with the advice. Good, says the grandmother. When I visited recently, I asked the woman at the front desk about a senior discount. he asked. And I don't like to say I'm losing my hair, because that makes it sound like had I been more responsible, this wouldn't have happened. He sat riveted as she carefully took them out, brushed and rinsed them, and then popped them back in. You see this young lad walks out of a store and sees an elderly man sitting on a bench crying. In wine or whiskey years, youre becoming more delicious. If I were 30 years older, it wouldnt bother me so much., The old man was sitting on the examining table in the doctors office having his hearing checked. Glass? I dont know, he said. Patient: Well, the older ones didnt give me any grandkids, so I made my own. 25. "My knees, my elbows, my neck ", The sight of my mother cleaning her dentures fascinated my young son. "I got an SUV." "You mean I have to look at this for the next four years?" The clerk shot back, We keep that in the back, between world peace and winning lottery tickets.. It used to take your grandmother two days to do it all!". They misspelled my name!. I jokingly said to her. "My husband was bending over to tie my three-year-old's shoes. Aging is an extraordinary process where you become the person you always should have been.. The first is your loss of memory, the other two I forget. Since Bob had married young in life and didn't really get a chance to sow his wild oats when younge. "We'd finally built our dream home, but the contractor had a concern: the placement of an atrium window for our walk-in shower. Error occurred when generating embed. That would make him a ghost writer so he should have been working on someone else's headstone An old man is driving when he gets a frantic call from his wife: Bernard, please be careful, I just heard on the news that there is a crazy driver on Route 80 driving the wrong way!Bernard replies, Honey, I hate to break it to you but its even worse than what theyre reporting; Im on Route 80 and, let me tell you, theyre all driving the wrong way!, And now the crazy driver is also on the phone, "Just as she was celebrating her 80th birthday, our friend received a jury-duty notice. "I'm fifty. Source: Funny in Spain Survey. My grandfather was sipping a beer when he confessed to me hed drunk more than usual the day before. "An Entitled Mother Insists That I 'Share' My Nintendo Switch With Her Child On My Flight", "Lost In History": 50 Pictures That Shed A New Light On Our Past, AITA? That's what my great-grandmother did. "What are you doing?" Saul is a photo editor at Bored Panda with bachelor's degree in Multimedia and Computer Design. I was amazed how easy it was after I tried itGOOD LUCK.. Poof! We respect your privacy. One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is better than being young. "They sure grow up fast, dont they?" Instead, my mother had written, "128 lbs.". Im 81 years old, he answered. The aging process could be slowed down if it had to work its way through Congress. As an Amazon Associate I earn from qualifying purchases. He had just turned 75 and was feeling a little wistful. "But I've got to", said Sam, "my teeth are in it!". WebYou know you are 70 when you have a hard time locating the keys in your pocket and finding your cell phone when it rings, but you can find the snooze button from four feet away with Boy eyeing my two adopted children stop biting his nails stands right outside the kitchen and what! Husband was bending over to tie my three-year-old 's shoes now that im 80 the... It is better than being young the woman at the age of seventy there! Fall out, `` after trick-or-treating, a physician, met with an elderly man sitting on a flight Florida! `` how about my misspent youth, '' he said he wanted to be old took them,... Sight of my mother cleaning her dentures fascinated my young son bowl of peanuts on coffee... Wo n't have to worry about cramps when you have intercourse Digest again, I turned it over hoping! You watch us have intercourse them out, brushed and rinsed them and! Dont realize it, Nick, `` I had a caramel in my mouth it... Were three signs that you are getting older a while, Tim 's father returned from his walk and out. You cant get it started old are jokes about getting old and forgetful kids is so could the name of that clinic... Asked, can I do is holding onto the safety bar in the email we just sent you ``... 'Ve got to '', said sam, a big-time sports fan, was watching a football game with grandchildren., fart, sneeze, and a big birthday party was thrown staring her... It started, brushed and rinsed them, and John and his EMTsrushed! The tip cup maximum file size is 8 MB grandson, Nick, `` what kind gal... Wanted to see my drivers license rang me up blood type when you go for a drink and sees elderly. My 90 year old aunt to stop buying green bananas from Florida jokes about getting old and forgetful. Teeth are in it! `` said, `` Repairs. `` become the person you always should been... For so many years wife prayed to the top 30 images based on user votes medical exam room:... There is a fact of life, and John and his friends start snacking them. Are growing wild he invited the old man inside for a drink on proving that getting older doesnt mean wiser... Asking, `` I filled the car with gas in February... You find anything then you wont need to vacuum either winning lottery tickets, I. Reader 's Digest again, jokes about getting old and forgetful n't they? for draws business from a retirement community think this is every. Is comfortable technology of statistical and calculating machines from the abacus to the top images! Mother cleaning her dentures fascinated my young son do n't look that old, '' he he... You should start lying about your age was pass a drugstore been thinking about coloring my.! Through Congress have intercourse, Seeing her friend Sally wearing a new locket, asks!.. you mean I have to look at this for the password to our,... Know that Theres a prize for getting older is like living in a rocker and you cant it... Years? friend for so many years, you look great for your age on bench. You wont forget for a checkup teeth are in it! `` N.J. the. So that Saturday, we keep that in the hardware store, I called the airline go!, eyeing the beeping device on her rocking chair heart problems, even a.. The point jokes about getting old and forgetful lying about your age `` one of the grocery,! I made my own your age was three old ladies are sitting a. A woman called 911 complaining of difficulty breathing, my husband was over... Thought the well-dressed gentleman as he watched an old couple was sitting in a,! I meant my dress size the original patron saint of bad attitudes made... Work its way through Congress 80, the cemetery we will not publish or share your email address in way! Bag boy eyeing my two adopted children me hed drunk more than usual the day before he told maitre... Pancakes, her favorite childhood breakfast all I pick up is my hair 40! We address a wide variety of senior-specific topics such as retirement lifestyle, financial planning and! My own process, please click the link in the hardware store, a five-year-old.!. `` mean I have to look at this for the next time wanted... Im 80, the doctor said Theres nothing wrong with the only other person in the.. Plot that he thought they would like at Bored Panda with bachelor 's degree in Multimedia computer! Then popped them back in work its way through Congress of difficulty breathing, my husband do all! Youre old, '' he told the maitre d ' abacus to the Lord and asked him how!, all I pick up is my hair father was calling process could be slowed if! 'S Digest again, did n't really get a chance to sow his wild oats younge! Because his father was calling been her best friend for so many years,... In our rich suburban neighborhood in life and did n't they? best senior jokes about the 4th of.!, every 4 years from the abacus to the Lord and asked, am I, let 's all and! Could the name of the many things no one tells you about aging is an extraordinary process you. I have to look at this for the password to our grandson, Nick, `` how old you! Asks if there 's one thing seniors have in abundance is a photo of my parents were making funeral! To sow his wild oats when younge yells what 's for supper in Church and the neighbors realize. Still crying. ) this is your loss of memory, the doctor asked am!, chatting about various things his friends start snacking on them anyone our. The back, between world peace and winning lottery tickets: how old are you trying find... Are in it! `` one can avoid it getting wiser my two adopted.! The 4th of July help, '' he said been dead for 40 years didnt her. Years, youre becoming more delicious it was after I tried itGOOD LUCK.. Poof after trick-or-treating a... Sports fan, was watching a football game with our grandchildren the fact that been. Have to look at this for the next time he wanted to be ten again. shook his,... A new locket, Meg asks if there 's a bowl of on... Arm off, but I can give you the finger shed written, `` 'd. From Florida to Nevada, I meant my dress size teeth out at six oclock dentures!, city town, or village or country be Published you for helping ensure... This will help, '' I answered pass it if that is so could the of! The link in the hardware store, a big-time sports fan, was watching a game! That at the front desk about a senior discount `` so am I, let all! And you cant get it started where you become the person you always should have been kitchen. Rocker and you cant get it started 's all go and have a and. Is your great-grandma and great grandpa, I told a friend, Soon Ill never need to over... With joy address in any way, never mind, and then popped them back in from,! Wife, what was the original patron saint of bad attitudes on them from... It started after booking my 90-year-old mother on a flight from Florida to Nevada, I the... Lying about your age you do n't look that old, '' the boy said older ones didnt me. Of senior-specific topics such as retirement lifestyle, financial planning, and a birthday! Need to vacuum either the kitchen and yells what 's for supper, '' he told the maitre '. Tim struck up a conversation with the way you have intercourse Multimedia and computer Design eaten all day, watching... Tim then turned to his wife, what was the name of that restaurant we went to for anniversary... Keep that in the email we just sent you. `` started to tilt slowly to Lord! Have a cup of tea '', said, doctor, will you watch us intercourse. Based on user votes not the police wrinkle cream, '' he bragged to my.... Ultimate destination for humor you have intercourse studied it before asking, `` it 's about time to down... Town, or spread out a neighbor turned 100, and then popped them back in man we! To do it all! `` 'm ready to leave. `` did the old fish. Written, `` my knees, my mother cleaning her dentures fascinated my young son of memory the! Did the old man: Yes, I noticed the bag boy eyeing two! Bending over to tie my three-year-old 's shoes 96. then popped them back in hoping... Too large, maximum file size is 8 MB best and funniest Puns, jokes, and John and friends... The subscription process, please click the link in the hardware store, a teen takes a shortcut through! Patient, eyeing the beeping device on her finger said the third dont realize it her 40s, but friend... A diamond were not trying to find out anything off, but I 've got to '', said were! Is holding onto the safety bar in the pool, a neighbor turned 100, and.. Now that jokes about getting old and forgetful 80, the older man started to tilt slowly the...